the first end happened thirteen years ago
in June – then, the second
                  at the end of last December
each time reshuffled into an emotional puzzle
with misplaced corner pieces

                                                   without you
shards of soul bruise my skin, lungs abandoned
                  by oxygen, aches are bouncing
from the joints to the sternum like a saltatory
novel drop of a retired aerialist

I once used to be the main
event, the different color band makes me
                  a stranger now, gaze burning
the closed door as if a secret entry to a world to which
I no longer belong

                                  forbidden access
to the corners where I left
much of my youth, my sweat and my grunts
of power and doubts
                 my DNA and dopamine inundating
the spectators’ screams of adrenaline

fists always tight at the start of the night
glazed with anger
                 brushing morality
                                   facing mortality
scale held the power to give me the green light
ready to act, some found it barbaric
but I

soared to heights of esoteric
                   beauty, moves that can hurt
                                   became music
bonded with the essence of the pain
                  bones cracking, joints snapping
                                   bells stopped time

fists opened at the end of the night
glazed with blood
                 decoding mysteries
                                   reaping victories
arm stretched up so high that can touch the top
of the trauma that still resides inside
months of sacrifice satisfied

medals and cuts
                  stitches and wins
                                      bruises and belts
packed away in a cardboard box
only some can recognize the enmeshed existence
but I

struggle to understand the abrasions left behind
                   the untethered compass
of a new beginning crushing
my spine in the cold December night
when I

belonged for one last time.

***

Florina Petcu is a poet from San Jose, California. She has a background in performing arts, athletics, psychology, and education. Her poetry was published in three editions of Forum Magazine, Periphery Journal 62, and Caesura. Her writing is inspired by her experiences, particularly the years competing in Muay Thai , BJJ, and soccer, as well as coaching fight teams. Stepping in the ring was the most inspiring and transformative experience and she aims to capture those moments in her writing.